Vertical Hold

In today's digital world, we hardly ever hear the term 'Vertical Hold'.  Back in the :mumblemuble: (years), it came in the form of a tiny dial designed to help control the vertical stabilization of the picture.  Without it, you were doomed to watch the picture slide up - over and over and over again. Arbitrarily, you would sometimes find yourself watching a bifurcated screen, bottom half resting over the upper.

This world of mine, which is prone to rocking from side to side, forward and/or back - I think back to those days and realize two things: A) I am clearly not digital and B) My dials done fell off and as with most relics, are impossible to find and replace.  Well, crap.

***
I am just now coming off of 18 days of steroids and putting on a good 12 lbs because of it.  Meh!  It'll come off again.  Meanwhile, I consider that, for the time being, my new-found posterior may well serve as ballast and keep me grounded.  Yeah...except for the fact that the world continues to be a ship's deck, and in the grand scheme, what weight I'm carrying is but a drop in the ocean!  The world itself, cares not.

Thank God that as a woman who has struggled with weight for most of my life, I have picked up a few tips along the way.  For example - a woman who is 5'2" and weighs 150lbs is considered to be obese.  Throw on a pair of 4" heels, she becomes that 'curvaceous' 5'6" woman.  So - in order to make the move from 'morbidly obese' to 'JUST obese', I figure 6" oughta do me.  I dare to dream!  As it stands....or leans, as it were - slipping into my 3" sandals requires the use of two hands against a solid wall, a focal point, and a few, whispered, 'Oh God, oh God's.  Just because I'm dizzy doesn't mean I still don't entertain my vanities, though. For the sake of some height and the illusion of fashion sense, I will gladly walk with my palm firmly places against a wall. 

***
A bit of serenity this morning.

A new morning ritual is to take a quiet walk through my gardens, armed with my camera, and take snapshots of those things that catch my eye.  This morning, I realized just how many things in this life exist in a spiraled plane. This is the first time I 'caught' a hibiscus, mid-unfurling.

And the morning glory, with it's spoked center which hints at a spin.

And for no reason other than I love my cats, here is Minette and Marvin.

VAGINA!

If they can't touch it, see it, or explain your symptoms, and you just happen to have a vagina - chances are the very first diagnosis you can expect is 'anxiety disorder', 'early menopause', or 'depression'.  It was true for me back in my 20's when vestibular issues took over my life and it became unreasonable to entertain the notion that I had suffered nearly a dozen cases of labyrinthitis in 6 months.  Finally, the GP decided that perhaps this was hormone related, and sent me to a gynecologist. I was on my way to a firm VAGINA diagnosis.

A quick trip to the paper-lined table, heels tucked into the stirrups, the doctor did his thing, hmmm'd and aaaaah'd, ripped off his gloves and declared that I must be suffering from depressive disorder based on the fact that I was anxious about always being dizzy.  

Back then, I was easily intimidated by white coats - and I took him at his word. My exact thoughts were, on my way home, "Oh my God, I've lost my mind! Whatever will I do?!"  I found myself a counselor who was glad to speak with me at length about my life, my views about this and that, and my dizziness.  Determining that I was not suffering from any form of depression or anxiety, the counselor suggested that GYNs should stick to what they know best, and leave the 'shrinking' to the professionals.

Thirty years and many support boards later, I have yet to meet the man who has been told that his symptoms were clearly related to the state of his penis.  Oh, relax!  I'm just saying!!

This being said - I have overcome my reverence of doctors, realizing that they are human and make judgements based on their life experiences and prejudices just like the next guy.  I have also learned that the very best advocate for my health care is....me.
***
Long past the VAGINA diagnosis, I recently met with a new audiologist who ran a wiiiide range of tests.  The goal, this time, was to make a decision for or against Meniere's Disease.  The good news is they are confident that we can rule out yet another vestibular disease with a really crappy prognosis.  More good news is that all of my ear parts are functioning with the exception of some vestibular weakness in my left ear, and some issue that could explain the hyperacusis (sensitivity to sound) that is causing dizziness.  A CT scan is in my future.

This is when Ear Doc stepped in and whisked me off to another room to check my gaze stability and perform a Romberg test.  The first, I failed with flying colors. Failed badly enough, I just had to laugh.  When I was finally able to focus enough to indicate a correct response, the doc laughed and said, 'Congrats!You just noticed the oncoming semi!' to which I replied, "YEAH, BABY! I SUCK!!!"

And had I been at a sobriety check point, I would have Romberged myself right into an overnight stay in a drunk tank. 


So basically, all the little bones and hairs are transmitting all the information to Brain, and Brain, who has apparently taken up another language, takes one look at it all and says, with a very heavy, French accent, "Feuk yew, Madame - hew ahr on hewr own!"

***
Husbands...ah, I mustn't forget...

I came home and began to explain that the tests showed the parts all worked, but before I could tell him that there's a glitch in the transference of information, he said, "So...it's psychological..."

The doctor says his leg isn't broken - and that the concussion was mild.

REPRIEVE!

 I am a garden person. 

This is not to say that I have Homes & Gardens scenery around my house, but I do love to dabble in landscaping, and creating little oasis' here and there. Almost everything I do is with reclaimed materials, and have an 'in nature' feel.

It goes without saying that with Migraine disorder (MAV dx), and with triggers like heat, humidity, and weather fronts - not much has been happening in the way of gardening. Until this month. And now, this week, the blessing of cool, dry weather - with gentle breezes. I should also mention that I am on new medication to control migraine and still on steroids to help break this MD attack. The 2.5 Valium every 6 hours has also been working to knock the chip off the whirly-bird's shoulder, too. The combination has brought about TWO, back-to-back, almost symptom-free days. Hallelujah!

The new area I'm working on is HUGE.  It required almost 3 dozen bags of mulch!  

I spent several hours planting Purple Fountain Grass, installing a little slate fountain, planting moon flowers, peppermint, and some sort of flower my husband brought home from a job site he had to flatten. Knowing I would never let him live it down if ever heard of him just burying such treasures, he felt compelled to bring some home, securing his place as husband of the year.

How I worked...and sweat...and smiled...and sang. I took frequent breaks, drank gallons of water - and relaxed as I worked. It was awesome!

After all was said and done, I drew a bath of tepid water, peeled off the muddy, blackened clothing, and slipped myself beneath the bubbles. Only then did the world begin to truly wiggle and shake, but my day had taken me through that gateway of bliss. What counted most lay beyond the physical.

Yesterday was medicine. Yesterday, the sun kissed my brow, as I sunk my fingers into the rich and fragrant earth. Yesterday, I created to my heart's content. I was, as far as anyone could tell, healed beyond my dizziness. I was rescued beyond my migraines. My very spirit was caressed- and I cried for a good while in relief, surrounded by my bubbles. Delivered, if even for just a handful of hours, and in this new place that I will forever associate with this precious reprieve - My refuge...my garden.

An audiologist friend recently cautioned me, "Do not allow what you cannot do to interfere with what you can do." That had been on a bad, bad day, so I know how facile that sounds. From where I am at this precise moment, however, I am understanding this to mean that it is imperative to reach beyond my symptoms, and grab hold of whatever brings me joy. Seize that instant and hold it up above all the rest, and celebrate that puppy as if it represents my very life breath.

#migraine associated vertigo

Sporks.....

There's a purpose for this blog.  As a matter of fact, I had my opening all prepared.  I was ready to go -ask anyone!  And yet, here I sit with my mental wheels spinning in gray matter.  It's all part of what I deal with.  I have Migraine Associated Vertigo.  Laymen's explanation is that while most people get debilitating pain with their migraines, *I* get to experience dizziness, or true vertigo right along with it. That's right - I'm a dizzy brunette.  When *I* say I'm drunk on life, it's not just a figure of speech. 

Unfortunately, these migraines have led to some vestibular loss, which means that there is always some level of unsteadiness.  The forgetfulness, well....that's all part and parcel.  My body is so busy doing the work of translating visual and postural information into something my brain can make sense of, that those things that aren't quite so important as, say, my middle name or my street address, are only accessible through some Herculean mental savagery.
An example of how it often comes off: "Of course, Mrs. G.  What is your daughter's date of birth?"
"Okay - give me a second!  I know this one!"

***
The purpose of this blog.  Right.
Look -let's face it.  This shit can get pretty depressing pretty fast.  I don't have time for that.  I am 50 years young, and am only a few years away from having my husband of 30 years all to myself, and a paid off home.  THIS is where life begins, dammit!
So, my strategy is to spin joy out of the tonnage of straw that make up the symptoms of vestibular migraine. 

Because I have too many opportunities to complain, this place is being reserved as a sort of snapshot album of my successes, stolen moments of joy, and laughter. Personal peace and balance despite Migraine Associated Vertigo.

So, enjoy it, dammit! 

#migraine associated vertigo